Life is full of motifs. We are habitual creatures so it only makes sense. A reoccurring element or theme to a story or play or album or life etc. I was in my freshman year at North when I really learned what this was, it was during the reading of Julius Caesar. It's weird the things that stick with us and how they end up being applied to the world today. I'm going to try not to be too cryptic on this entry, this is more like a journal update then a blog post or at least that was my intention upon starting this, so we shall see.
I'd rather this be more in depth then just a slight overview. It feels like so much has happened I don't know where to begin. Actually not a lot has happened at all, I'm pretty sure I could sum up the entirety of the changes in one complex sentence but there would be no fun or therapy in that. I guess we start with professional and work down to personal aye? Meh ok
JOB
Week one of the new job is done now. Thus far its been a major success, not only am I getting paid a lot more money salary but the ability to bonus here is pretty insane. I'm also in training for another week, but I actually get to teach the whole training class on monday lol Morrow would be proud. Which brings me to the only downside I see with this place so far. I havn't worked for anyone else really in a long time I sincerely doubt there even going to have a person there capable of replacing someone who was mentoring you practically since you started something. Meh im staying positive we'll see, worst case scenario I'll be a recluse there and just get my money and bail everyday, no one said you had to be sociable. But yeah by the time my birthday comes I should be able to drop a few hundred on my tat, car running perfect, and still have a comma in the bank, so no complaints there. Also working for the DOE (department of education) has taught me a lot that I hadn't known and made me a more well rounded collector, always awesome. I've already been able to help out my brother with this information so again nothing to complain about. And finally since it IS something new ive taken on, I've been able to take my mind off of other matters that plagued me which i may or may not get into later. So yeah major win here so far, shout out to 5 shot for hooking it up and Monarch for being retarded and letting me go.
Everything Else
Staring at the long ass run on paragraph about work makes me not even want to type anymore ugh. Anyway as an unbiased statement, everything in my personal life happened has been towards my own benefit. I'm better off with how things has turned out for a society stand point. Dealing with the transitions hasn't been pleasant and moving on has been rather unsuccessful, lately its just out of sight out of mind. Self control has been great no slip ups at all, but other people have been urking my soul with their opinions on some shit. My family has been riding for me hard as shit and helped a ton with everything going on in my life. Overall I can't complain about anything, other then maybe elijah always breaking my car '-_- lol but you take the good with the bad. Such is life. All the good fortune in the world I have going on I still wish I was sharing it with someone, but im starting to be convinced all the stress is a waste of time and Im alone in how I feel. Sooo its focus on the positive things in life while you watch what you want slip away in front of you. It is what it is I guess.
Games and music etc. look promising in the next year so theres something to look forward too, I had a ton more to say but I was pulled away from writing this lol im just now coming back like 2 hours later sighhhhs. Ill update again I guess.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Uneven.
This is not a masterpiece, this is just whats happening, this is cause I can't just breathe after losing half of me. This is just my last perceived, feeling of collapsed belief, that this was ending happily. Laughably, I'm still holding on, when this is out of grasp for me. What is it that you ask of me, why is it that it seems, your freedom only comes with a stab into the back of me? Tragedy. That you would stoop as low as this, was I too in love with you to notice it, or was this always how you've known we split, I am absolutely closure-less. Hopelessness, since the moment you exposed your his, and I can't even blow a kiss, without the notion that it's yours to get, and feel two fingers on my lips, my souls adrift. It's missing left an open rift, that no one else could ever hope to fit, or come the slightest bit even close to it, and you just act as if I don't exist, I wail in pain that you won't fix, instead you sit and stare at this...... emotionless......
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Moving on.
Life changes so rapidly and without anyone's permission. People, places, and things come and go out of lives almost in patterns. Such is life. It's not all good or bad either. Without moving on from the good things we could never move on from the bad, so we take them hand in hand. The steps I'm taking to move on are exceptionally painful to me. Probably because I don't want to, but life has a way of disregarding the things we want and feeding us audibles in their place. Moving on from a job I was comfortable with to unknown territory. From a woman I'm crazily in love with to someone I'll have no invested interest in. Most depressing and hard to swallow is the moving on from wanting to be a father and settle down to focusing on me and my own life.
I don't want any of these changes. But again, sometimes things are out of our hands, or maybe at some point they were in our hands but we didn't have the strength, knowledge, or clarity or hold on to them. I have more money then i've ever made to look forward to, along with new lusts and heart ache no doubt. I have everything as a person to gain from the new developments and hopefully when I've continued to better myself it will open the doors to even greater opportunities, I mean if not whats the point?
Thats the thing about me. I'm always going to be alright, I'm always going to make it, to come out on top. I've always been that way, and that type of thinking, that type of lifestyle is what makes it hard for me to hold on to things as they leave my life.... On the contrast it's so easy for me to walk away from something. God bless my Ex girlfriends, I must of walked out of my long term relationships a million times each because of this fucking mindset. The entire concept is hypocrisy, you expect something to fight for you, but you retain the ability to walk out any moment. It's like banks competing for you business at all times knowing if 10 years later they give you an interest rate on some miscellaneous loan you dont like then fuck it im going elsewhere. Sighs, and thats what I do. But I mean, can you blame me? If every time you lost a dollar you found a twenty I sincerely doubt strippers around the world would be grasping their draws so tight. I'm just saying.
I mean don't get me wrong, it's not all positives, I'll be making 7 dollars MORE per hour with my new job then I made at S&D but my job will NEVER be as fulfilling as that!?! No dollar amount could replace the experience of that job, could replace bosslady or paul or jesus christ meeting elijah and darah, there would never of been the mia episodes with me and sean, NOTHING would be the same in my life. That job molded who I am as a person today and made my home life tolerable. Woman are even harder to judge this. When there's no doubt in your mind who "the one" is, when you've already seen yourself spending the rest of your life with someone, how do you even approach the next person? Oh hey! The thought of having to have sex with you instead of so and so makes my stomach turn but what the hell, how about Saturday?? Smh.
So don't get me wrong, it's not all great. But it's not in my hands either, no one can just prevent change in their life it happens. I just have the uncanny ability to make the change for the best and not let my life control the level of happiness i endure. Do I want this? Of course not, but unless all the jobs we've loved called us back with raises, and the love of our lives suddenly stop being raging psychopaths we're stuck dealing with change. So if it's something that you have to deal with i'd rather be me then anyone else, cause god knows I change for the better, every time.
So I'm moving on. Until the phone rings and life suddenly starts feeling motivated to make itself easy instead of testing our physical and emotional limits I'm doing what I have to and what makes sense. Mark my words, There will always be another job out there that sees your value and makes an offer to you based on your accomplishments. There will always be another person out there, who won't over look the things that may not have mattered or been taking for granted by an ex. You have to be open and make yourself available for good things to happen because they won't happen on their own. And thats what i'm doing.
I don't want any of these changes. But again, sometimes things are out of our hands, or maybe at some point they were in our hands but we didn't have the strength, knowledge, or clarity or hold on to them. I have more money then i've ever made to look forward to, along with new lusts and heart ache no doubt. I have everything as a person to gain from the new developments and hopefully when I've continued to better myself it will open the doors to even greater opportunities, I mean if not whats the point?
Thats the thing about me. I'm always going to be alright, I'm always going to make it, to come out on top. I've always been that way, and that type of thinking, that type of lifestyle is what makes it hard for me to hold on to things as they leave my life.... On the contrast it's so easy for me to walk away from something. God bless my Ex girlfriends, I must of walked out of my long term relationships a million times each because of this fucking mindset. The entire concept is hypocrisy, you expect something to fight for you, but you retain the ability to walk out any moment. It's like banks competing for you business at all times knowing if 10 years later they give you an interest rate on some miscellaneous loan you dont like then fuck it im going elsewhere. Sighs, and thats what I do. But I mean, can you blame me? If every time you lost a dollar you found a twenty I sincerely doubt strippers around the world would be grasping their draws so tight. I'm just saying.
I mean don't get me wrong, it's not all positives, I'll be making 7 dollars MORE per hour with my new job then I made at S&D but my job will NEVER be as fulfilling as that!?! No dollar amount could replace the experience of that job, could replace bosslady or paul or jesus christ meeting elijah and darah, there would never of been the mia episodes with me and sean, NOTHING would be the same in my life. That job molded who I am as a person today and made my home life tolerable. Woman are even harder to judge this. When there's no doubt in your mind who "the one" is, when you've already seen yourself spending the rest of your life with someone, how do you even approach the next person? Oh hey! The thought of having to have sex with you instead of so and so makes my stomach turn but what the hell, how about Saturday?? Smh.
So don't get me wrong, it's not all great. But it's not in my hands either, no one can just prevent change in their life it happens. I just have the uncanny ability to make the change for the best and not let my life control the level of happiness i endure. Do I want this? Of course not, but unless all the jobs we've loved called us back with raises, and the love of our lives suddenly stop being raging psychopaths we're stuck dealing with change. So if it's something that you have to deal with i'd rather be me then anyone else, cause god knows I change for the better, every time.
So I'm moving on. Until the phone rings and life suddenly starts feeling motivated to make itself easy instead of testing our physical and emotional limits I'm doing what I have to and what makes sense. Mark my words, There will always be another job out there that sees your value and makes an offer to you based on your accomplishments. There will always be another person out there, who won't over look the things that may not have mattered or been taking for granted by an ex. You have to be open and make yourself available for good things to happen because they won't happen on their own. And thats what i'm doing.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Reaching out.
The curtains closing fast, on this cursed corroded path, and whats worse is we're too mad, to let the hurt that we served pass. All the work to bring us back, gets usurped, slips in the cracks, when we lets words disturb the facts, that we're in love, I want you back.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Chapter: Next
I'm choking on so many cliches right now I can barely breathe enough to write this. The bottom line is I can't swim and we've drawn so many lines in the sand, that my backs finally against the ocean.
Yeah, that conveys everything I need it to.
Gone but not forgotten is the usual saying right? I guess, no ones really died though. Well I guess I take that back, maybe thats what eats at me. I don't think you realize how this is going to hurt forever, how that memory will or should or perhaps needs to hurt forever. How else would it exist and not be forgotten. Everything that exists in this reality for even the shortest amount of time have the urge to continue to exist, once its forgotten its over. This memory will hurt forever, trust me I promise you.
Chapter Next. Its fitting because everything else i wanted was too dramatic. Im always too dramatic. Truth be told im just a passionate person. I blame my sign, which id of slapped anyone who said that a month ago, but as fate would have it, trial and error seems to have swayed my mind in the astral sign catagory. Maybe not but it sure is serving its purpose, which is all anything could ever ask for, no?
So what is the next chapter. What does it hold, what is expected to change, what is unwavering. I didn't read it asshole, I'm not going to pretend to know because god knows my actions dont follow any obvious path. What do I know, well I know me, better then almost anyone. And the person who knew me better doesnt exist anymore, not in my reality at least. So what do I know.
Well I've written and deleted this paragraph 3 times now. I think scattered thoughts are going to replace it..... That last paragraph was really good, it was honest. What a waste. Gravity? ha seany would get it whatever. My head hurts, Part of me is shutting down but I suppose it can't be helped. I just took off this bracelet from joes lol. Good night. Thank god for the people I have wow. I need to keep focused on the people who are there for me in my life and not the people who.... fuck it. Enough said. I hear naruto being played. Heres a thought, you know how hard it is to enough the things you loved, when youve tried so hard to make those things a part of someone else too. I dont know if you understand that. Like, listening to MY music should make me think of how great it is that someone else liked it. Such is life I guess?? I've been saying that a lot lately. I'm done with this paragraph, I don't think its done what I needed it to. And just like that I can that easily leave it and move on to a new one. Syntax is important, I just said this before writing this thats funny how it came up. Maybe I did that on purpose subconsciously?? Maybe not, a metaphore within writing that doesn't require words just a passionate reader, whos likely been hurt before to get it. Knowing me makes it too easy I guess. Less impressed now moving on.
The idea of this type of blog is interesting. A masterpiece in and of itself and its value, yet useless to the masses I suppose. I miss writing. I am glad its still so easy for me, I was meant to do this you know. Have to be. Lmao my english teacher would stab my eyes out if she read this, waste of talent she'd say. I always thought good writing was in the image, all whlie my misuse of slang and sentence fragments probably kept her up at night lol anyway. Wow been off topic for a while, I am glad it displays the title at the top while writing this.
My next blog I reveal myself in will be about all the ignorant thoughts that really go through my mind. That will be amazing and epic and sooo therapeutic. I would like not to alienate everyone I know though so perhaps I'll tone it done, I write that while think to myself anyone who knows me knows i wont lol. UGHH new paragraph back on topic.
Truth be told people, my next chapter will be exactly like my previous chapters. You know why, theres not enough variables. I don't bend, I don't compromise, I just am what you see take it or leave it. Thats likely the reason for every sad status update youll ever see from me, and the reason behind every tear i'll ever shed outside of bodily harm. I might be too stubborn, but you know what, its done me good. And the people that see that have stuck by me and support me to this day. I hope I do everyone justice, its a lot of pressure being the person people look to to be ok. Those who don't know history are doomed to repeat it. But you know what so are the people who know it but refuse to do anything to change it. Someone will come along who is able to deal with me and make it work. And I swear on my babysisters when that happens they will be the happiest person I know how to make some one be.
This blog lacks focus.I will end this with what i've learned, in scatter thought mode. First thoughts? The importance of the new years midnight kiss. Second thought? I need to stay away from jocelynn for a while lol. I was given a crazy reminder about how things end up for people who have chosen not to be with me, and that lead to research and discovering how bad things may have truely gotten for some. wow. But at the time if I had told them to just listen to me and life will be better they would have looked at me like I had 2 heads and no dick. It takes a smart person to realize someone else is smarter. But whatever someone will get it eventually and hopefully they deserve it. What else did I learn. I don't know, ive known almost all of this its more of a reminder, I forget this stuff when I get emotional ya know. Everything aside, I love you more then youll ever know. I just realized i didnt say half the shit in this i wanted to ugh. Another blog I suppose one with more focus. I love my family and I'm counting on you to get me through the times i bitch out of being ME and allow myself to get down. thanks for being there! You know im here when you need it.
Have a great year people.
Yeah, that conveys everything I need it to.
Gone but not forgotten is the usual saying right? I guess, no ones really died though. Well I guess I take that back, maybe thats what eats at me. I don't think you realize how this is going to hurt forever, how that memory will or should or perhaps needs to hurt forever. How else would it exist and not be forgotten. Everything that exists in this reality for even the shortest amount of time have the urge to continue to exist, once its forgotten its over. This memory will hurt forever, trust me I promise you.
Chapter Next. Its fitting because everything else i wanted was too dramatic. Im always too dramatic. Truth be told im just a passionate person. I blame my sign, which id of slapped anyone who said that a month ago, but as fate would have it, trial and error seems to have swayed my mind in the astral sign catagory. Maybe not but it sure is serving its purpose, which is all anything could ever ask for, no?
So what is the next chapter. What does it hold, what is expected to change, what is unwavering. I didn't read it asshole, I'm not going to pretend to know because god knows my actions dont follow any obvious path. What do I know, well I know me, better then almost anyone. And the person who knew me better doesnt exist anymore, not in my reality at least. So what do I know.
Well I've written and deleted this paragraph 3 times now. I think scattered thoughts are going to replace it..... That last paragraph was really good, it was honest. What a waste. Gravity? ha seany would get it whatever. My head hurts, Part of me is shutting down but I suppose it can't be helped. I just took off this bracelet from joes lol. Good night. Thank god for the people I have wow. I need to keep focused on the people who are there for me in my life and not the people who.... fuck it. Enough said. I hear naruto being played. Heres a thought, you know how hard it is to enough the things you loved, when youve tried so hard to make those things a part of someone else too. I dont know if you understand that. Like, listening to MY music should make me think of how great it is that someone else liked it. Such is life I guess?? I've been saying that a lot lately. I'm done with this paragraph, I don't think its done what I needed it to. And just like that I can that easily leave it and move on to a new one. Syntax is important, I just said this before writing this thats funny how it came up. Maybe I did that on purpose subconsciously?? Maybe not, a metaphore within writing that doesn't require words just a passionate reader, whos likely been hurt before to get it. Knowing me makes it too easy I guess. Less impressed now moving on.
The idea of this type of blog is interesting. A masterpiece in and of itself and its value, yet useless to the masses I suppose. I miss writing. I am glad its still so easy for me, I was meant to do this you know. Have to be. Lmao my english teacher would stab my eyes out if she read this, waste of talent she'd say. I always thought good writing was in the image, all whlie my misuse of slang and sentence fragments probably kept her up at night lol anyway. Wow been off topic for a while, I am glad it displays the title at the top while writing this.
My next blog I reveal myself in will be about all the ignorant thoughts that really go through my mind. That will be amazing and epic and sooo therapeutic. I would like not to alienate everyone I know though so perhaps I'll tone it done, I write that while think to myself anyone who knows me knows i wont lol. UGHH new paragraph back on topic.
Truth be told people, my next chapter will be exactly like my previous chapters. You know why, theres not enough variables. I don't bend, I don't compromise, I just am what you see take it or leave it. Thats likely the reason for every sad status update youll ever see from me, and the reason behind every tear i'll ever shed outside of bodily harm. I might be too stubborn, but you know what, its done me good. And the people that see that have stuck by me and support me to this day. I hope I do everyone justice, its a lot of pressure being the person people look to to be ok. Those who don't know history are doomed to repeat it. But you know what so are the people who know it but refuse to do anything to change it. Someone will come along who is able to deal with me and make it work. And I swear on my babysisters when that happens they will be the happiest person I know how to make some one be.
This blog lacks focus.I will end this with what i've learned, in scatter thought mode. First thoughts? The importance of the new years midnight kiss. Second thought? I need to stay away from jocelynn for a while lol. I was given a crazy reminder about how things end up for people who have chosen not to be with me, and that lead to research and discovering how bad things may have truely gotten for some. wow. But at the time if I had told them to just listen to me and life will be better they would have looked at me like I had 2 heads and no dick. It takes a smart person to realize someone else is smarter. But whatever someone will get it eventually and hopefully they deserve it. What else did I learn. I don't know, ive known almost all of this its more of a reminder, I forget this stuff when I get emotional ya know. Everything aside, I love you more then youll ever know. I just realized i didnt say half the shit in this i wanted to ugh. Another blog I suppose one with more focus. I love my family and I'm counting on you to get me through the times i bitch out of being ME and allow myself to get down. thanks for being there! You know im here when you need it.
Have a great year people.
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